Disappointment

I don’t think anyone really reads these blogs aside from a few friends and family and they already know what’s been going on in my life, so I’m going to get pretty vulnerable with this post, because honestly, I need to write out my feelings.

I’m not happy today. In fact, I feel pretty foolish. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year. After about 10 months of trying, my OBGYN directed us to a fertility specialist. I really like my fertility specialist, because he seems like a no-nonsense doctor. Basically, I was thinking it would be months before we would try something invasive like an IUI or IVF, but he didn’t want to waste any time. We had already been trying certain things through my OBGYN. When my specialist heard that Letrozole wasn’t working for us, he had us immediately get set up for an IUI where I would be taking Clomid, which is a stronger medicine.

I was really, really hopeful. It seemed like everything was turning around for the better in my life recently, so why wouldn’t this? I have previously written about my dad who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer, but that diagnosis changed to stage 2 due to more scans showing what was thought to be the spread of cancer, was really just a degenerative issue. Needless to say, I was feeling good. My dad’s news is excellent and it came right around the time I was getting set up for my IUI. This would work. I just knew it would.

When people who were praying for me would ask me about how I was feeling, I would tell them that I was at peace and I really felt like it was all going to work. At the specialist’s office, I kept saying things like, “this is gonna work!” when they told me about how billing would work in the event of a second IUI.

It was supposed to work. You see, on the actual day of our IUI, we did not have a single known fertility issue thanks to medicine and vitamins. In fact, both of us were above average on that day. Obviously, things were working. Prior to the IUI, I had started acupuncture, something I had never done before, because it was supposed to help the IUI to work. When I had my progesterone levels checked a week after the procedure, they were really high, which was a great sign. A sign that could mean pregnancy. I even started to feel “symptoms” My breasts had never felt more tender.

Unfortunately, those symptoms must have been in my head. Perhaps I was more acutely aware of my body, because I was looking for symptoms. I don’t know. All I know is, it didn’t work.

And I just feel foolish. Not only did I tell people that I just knew it was going to work. I also cut off caffeine and baths for fear that it may hurt the baby that was apparently never in my womb in the first place. I’ve been having really bad allergies with the seasons changing, and you know what? I haven’t been taking my medicine or the one thing that helps me (Benadryl) when my allergies get really bad. All because I didn’t want to ruin things. All because of hope.

How am I supposed to go into my second IUI with high hopes? How am I supposed to believe it will work this time? I just feel so defeated. Other women can get pregnant on accident. How come I can’t get pregnant with all of these other ways of helping me to do so? I think I would be a really great mom, but I can’t even get the chance to try. Does that mean I wouldn’t?

All my life, I’ve been in a season of waiting. I waited and waited for my first date, my first kiss, then for a significant other. All of which, I was a late bloomer. Those things didn’t happen for me in high school. But somehow, I naively thought I would be married with kids by 25. When that didn’t happen, I thought it would for sure happen by age 30. When that didn’t happen, I read and did Christian studies on waiting. Eventually, I found a sense of acceptance, but shortly after, my husband did come along. And now here I am again, in this season of waiting. I don’t know what you want me to learn God! I’ve been in this stage all my life it seems. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of getting my hopes up only for them to be squashed. I’m tired of a lot of things, that I just won’t mention on here, because I’m worried it would offend others. I’m. just. tired.

Anyways, I think I got so wrapped up in my IUI and my hopes of being pregnant that I just didn’t find the time to read this month. I was looking up cute ways to announce my pregnancy around Thanksgiving instead of reading. How stupid is that. As a result, I only read 4 books this month, when I had been averaging 10. There’s another disappointment to add to the list.

If you’ve made it this far, I’ll be kind and make these reviews short. I’m exhausted and think I’ll take a bath after this.

The first book I read this month was The Honey Don’t List, which also was my favorite. This book is written by the same author team (Christina Lauren) that wrote The Unhoneymooners, which was a book I really loved a little while back. The novel follows two people who work for an HGTV type couple who just had me thinking of Chip and Joanna. Just as fun to read, but not as comical, this book receives 4 stars from me and a glowing recommendation for anyone who enjoys a light chick-lit/rom-com read. 4/5.

The second book I read was Transcendent Kingdom by Yaa Gyasi. Transcendent Kingdom is the second book by Gyasi, following her wide success of Homegoing (which is on my TBR list). This book, while beautifully written, just didn’t grip me. It was certainly more of a thought piece on depression and not a plot driven novel. I had high hopes for this one, but it did feel like a sophomore slump to me. 3/5.

The next book I read, has been a book I’ve been reading with my church small group called, The Me I Want to Be by John Ortberg. I read ahead a bit as we are still discussing this in my group. I don’t know how to really feel about this book. Some chapters are great, while others just feel too “surface level.” The format is weird for me too, since there are big sections that are repeats of the text. It’s meant to make those passages stand out, but it happens so frequently, that it’s a bit off-putting. 3/5.

My final read for September was Memorial Drive, a memoir by Natasha Trethewey. This memoir was quick, but definitely not painless. The author experienced some really traumatic things with the whole premise being about her mother’s murder. The trauma did not start there, however. Her upbringing was not ideal and while this book is not for the faint of heart, I do find it an important memoir to read. 4/5.

After realizing I had only read 4 books in the month of September, I’ve made a point to start strong in October. I finished 2 books that I had started in September and read another book over the weekend. I’ve also just started the so far phenomenal novel, Betty by Tiffany McDaniel. All of this to say, I plan to have some really great reads for you in my next post. I hope that post will be a little more uplifting too.

I’m trying to remind myself that not all days are good, but there are good things in each day and while it’s okay to be distraught, it’s not okay to be destroyed. Life is what happens between the bindings, and with that, I wish you happy reading.

The Blessing and Books

Life certainly has changed since my last post.  I had included things about coronavirus in my last two posts as it was happening and now it’s certainly happened and happening.  My school is now completing e-learning for the remainder of the year, while all other Indiana schools are doing the same.  My poor cousin’s daughter, who is a senior this year, will not get to go to her senior prom or have her graduation ceremony.  If I were a senior, I would be devastated.  I would be as the parent of a senior too.  We are all practicing social distancing and life as we knew it, has changed a great deal.  Even getting groceries has changed and it’s not odd to see people out with masks and other forms of protective gear on. 

My heart breaks for my students who saw our school as a safe haven.  It breaks for their need for education and how this will negatively affect them.  I pray for them and their families.  My heart breaks for all of the seniors who didn’t deserve their last year of school to be like this.  My heart breaks for so many workers who will not have an adequate paycheck and the small businesses that will be crushed by this turn of events.  My heart breaks for the healthcare workers who are ill equipped to no fault of their own.  Mostly, my heart breaks for those who have gotten the virus and the families who have loved ones who have passed.  Loved ones they won’t get to say a proper goodbye to.  This is a very sad time indeed.

While I recognize the sadness and will continue to lift people and this overall situation up in prayer, I will also look at the blessings.  I’m on week 3 of being “quarantined” and it’s definitely been a journey.  The first week was tough.  I cried a lot and became obsessed with the news.  I ended up turning to God for guidance, which led me on a journey of rekindling my relationship with Him.  I say rekindling, because I hadn’t been doing my part.  I wasn’t praying as often as I should or reading my Bible very often at all.  Sure, I was going to church, but does that count if that’s all you do? Turning to God was the best decision I could have made.  My mood became lighter, joyful even! I made a schedule for myself and promised to be productive in this time.  In the past two weeks, I’ve repainted one of the bedrooms in our home, fixed the molding on our fireplace, ordered patio furniture for our back deck, and deep-cleaned our house.  I mean deeeeeep cleaned, y’all.  I even wiped down the baseboards.  I started an online Bible study, ran/walked 5.45 miles almost daily, got my 5K down by almost 3 minutes, tried new make-up techniques, started practicing true gratitude, and of course, read. 

The blessing is this: I’ve gotten more closer to God and I’ve reconnected with myself both mentally and physically.  This has been the much needed “break” I was too prideful to take.  I am so grateful for this time to slow down, even if it is for uncertain circumstances.  My dogs have loved it too.  My hope is for you, dear reader, to find your blessings in this madness too.  I promise there are many. 

With the current state of the world, there is definitely time now, to read.  Hopefully these reviews will help you find your next book!

In Five Years by Rebecca Serle was a really fast read.  The premise is that the main character gets a glimpse of what her life looks like 5 years in the future, which is not anything like what she had in mind.  She starts off engaged and we see through her glimpse that in five years, she is waking up next to another person entirely.  Sounds like a cute love story, right? Wrong.  While it did end up a love story of sorts, changing the book so drastically turned it into something else entirely.  Unfortunately, this left the main character and another key player very unlikeable.  The writing was well done and like I previously mentioned, the pacing was incredible, but it left a sour taste in my mouth. When it comes to a good book, it’s going to need more than fast pacing to make it so.  3/5

My next read was Writers and Lovers by Lily King.  I struggled with this one too.  I’m not sure just why it didn’t click with me.  The writing was good and the premise seemed like something I’d be into: a woman writer struggling with men and her own creative freedom.  I’ve been that woman.  I think though, the reason this didn’t resonate with me, is because I’m not that woman anymore.  The plot was slow for me and while it was about something, it seemed like it was also about nothing at all. I kept questioning myself while I read, “do I keep going?”  I did finish it, but begrudgingly.  Maybe if I had read this book 5-10 years ago, I would have been all about it.  Unfortunately, that was not the case 2/5.

I read Dark Matter, because I loved Blake Crouch’s book Recursion.  Crouch writes gripping science fiction thrillers and this one did not disappoint! The book itself is hard to explain, but basically it was about multiple dimensions.  What if you woke up somewhere in the middle of nowhere and the life you thought was yours, was not at all?  What would you do to get it back? Or would you try to at all?  The ultimate question in this book was: Are you happy in your life? This novel was fully entertaining and kept me flipping page after page.  I loved how it took the idea of success versus family.  Why can’t we have both? Can we?  There were so many talking points in this book, I wished I would have read it in a book club! I really enjoyed this book, but it wasn’t as good as Recursion by the same author.  I highly recommend both! Dark Matter is a solid 4/5!

I have to say, my mind is still reeling over Darling Rose Gold by Stephanie Wrobel.  Wrobel sets off the book with a bang and you can’t stop reading, but then she sort of slows things down to do a character study, while also showing some backstory.  I wish her character study would have gone a little deeper.  There was so much in the title character.  I wanted to know more about her layers.  Her mother was a whole different animal… sort of.  I didn’t really feel like I got to see her layers at all, though.  This book was marketed as a thriller, which it was, but it was kind of a slow burn to get there.  The last 50-60 pages really picked up steam, but the last two pages was a bit of an over explanation.  I liked this book, but I couldn’t give it a 5 star rating.  4/5 for me.

The last book I have for you is my first self-help/religious/theology book of the year, but I couldn’t recommend it more!  The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry is for anyone, yes ANYONE, who feels like they’re always in a hurry or rushing through their life.  Or maybe for that person who is sick of the fast paced culture we have built for ourselves.  While this is a Christian book, it is more about how to slow down and why that’s important.  If any non Christian were to read it, I don’t think they would be upset with the religious pieces in it.  There might be a chapter or two they would skim, but overall, the writer focuses on hurry.  This book was/is a fast read (note that I still have about 50 pages left of it).  I am not hurrying through it though!  While I have read through it rather quickly, I’m revisiting certain chapters weekly since this book is part of a study I am in.  I don’t think I would have picked this book up on my own, but I’m so glad I found it! This excellent book by John Ortberg gets 5/5!

My next post will include reviews on Godshot, Sharks in the Time of Saviors, and Valentine, and hopefully more! But that’s what’s on deck for me! Happy reading and go find your sunshine, I promise it’s there 🙂

Quick update on my first book giveaway: I will announce the winner and reach out on May 1st!